Random facts about myself that I figured out just recently…

- I have an unhealthy obsession with post-its. Especially pink or yellow post-its. But I don’t do anything with them. I just stare at them or smell them sometimes…creepy, I know.

- I love shopping alone. Whether getting lost in a crowd or figuring out which mickey stuff toy I have to buy, I love it! Which reminds me, I still need to shop for red shorts…hhmmm…

- I smile at particularly no one or nothing at times. Oh, wait. That’s not something new, is it?

- I discovered that I have been having conversations with myself in my head ever since I knew how to think. And I never once find it creepy until now when I know what “dementia” means.

I feel like the richest person in the world. I have about 12 Million dollars in my bank. Yup! That’s the number 12 plus six zero’s after that…

Wow. If that’s the case, I’d never have to work a day in my life anymore and avoid having someone screaming obscenities in my ear. Whooopeedooo! But sadly, this huge amount of money only exist in the realm of Facebook. In that realm, I’m part of a mafia too. So cool! Imagine having to shoot someone with no particular reason…ooohhh!!! Me so likey!

Soooo…I was browsing through my WordPress account and I stumbled across some drafts I made in the past months I’ve gone sabbatical. I think I’m gonna have to post ‘em to make up for lost time.

So what’s up with me lately? Read below…

1. song most played? – it’s a toss up between Craig David’s Insomnia and Lady Gaga’s Just Dance

2. game most played? – most definitely Street Racing. I just bought an Aston Martin Vanquish. How cool is that?! Insert girly sqeaul here…

Aston Martin Vanquish

3. last movie watched? – Push. I slept halfway through the movie. What?! I didn’t any sleep the night before coz I was at work and it was not that good anyways so…

4. dvd stuck in the dvd player? – Veronica Mars Season 3. Logan Echolls is so fine!!! 

5. last time being so drunk? – Urm…last Saturday night, I guess. I didn’t get to eat much so there…pathetic really. And my brother slash chauffeur made me buy pizza when I can’t even walk straight!

6. last most vivid dream? – Damn. If you are looking at me right now, I would’ve looked like a deer caught in the headlights. So there was this one late night. Before I clock in and work, I try to catch as much ZZZs as possible. Even a mere 30-minute nap can get me through an almost 10-hour shift. Before my clock chimed twelve and my wretched alarm set of, I was dreaming of…man, this is embarrassing. So I dreamt of having a baby girl. Not really a baby but more like a 2 or 3 year old. She was a little rascal that one. Her with the sweet smile and black, wavy hair…I never want to be married, much less have a family of my own but at that precise moment…I don’t want to even think about it! This is the end of the world, me thinks. Take me to a mental facility. Pronto! I think I just lost my mind!

ThE LiP just left the world of the sane and the inebriated…

I came up with a perfect YM status slash Friendster shoutout that would trump all statuses slash shoutouts out there except that the “it” is really worth it. No matter how I think otherwise. It gets really old talking about my wounded feelings, the ever broken heart of mine and the seemingly endless cycle of love and be left in the cold again. So I’m going to talk about something else.

If I wasn’t previously in love with Ed Westwick (a.k.a. Chuck Bass in Gossip Girl), I am now. Did anybody know that he’s British? Bloody hell! And nobody cared to tell me? Lurve the accent. Why do we always fall for the English charm?

Have you ever wanted something so bad and when finally you got it, it came and bit you in the ass? Well, I did. Earlier today, right after my grueling 9 hour and 30 minute shift, I proceeded to take an assessment exam that took me another 2 freakin’ hours. That was a pretty huge setback. I could’ve gone to the doctor, gotten a medical certificate then drop it off in the office then go home in a span of two hours but no. I had to endure the looooooooong (emphasis on the “o”, as you can see) exam and come out looking like a hag. Insert shudder here. So where does the biting begin?

Let’s backtrack a bit more…At around 4:30 AM, I went out for a you-know-what. It was drizzling a bit. The air was steady but the surrounding was cool enough I was having visions of me on my bed…sleeping! Burrowed in the covers, lusting over who my hormones were after at that time. In the midst of all those salivating, I half-heartedly commented on why the rain pours more during the night while the sun imposes its rage during the day. Apparently, the sun and its perversely stone-cold heart doesn’t care how I toss and turn for hours trying to get a good day sleep. So when I finally got out of the office, it was raining but not too hard that I would need to take a cab. I had to walk across the street to take a jeepney and go to my mum.

Let’s see…so a wet backside, water on my sandals and raindrops on my ironed hair. God gave me what I wanted right? To have rain in the day instead? So why the hell am I muttering curses under my breath?

what’s that? oh. what, you may ask, is that crashing sound in the background? that’s my already broken heart shattered again into a million tiny pieces. thank you very much.

there’s a lesson to learn here. a lesson i should’ve learned years ago. i never should’ve used my heart. because if i used it, i hurt more and i don’t like this feeling.

it’s been a month and how am i doing? honestly, i don’t know. there are times that i just wake up, go to work, come home and not have a single clue what happened during the day. nothing really matters anyway, so why bother trying to be happy?

i have never felt so alone in my entire life. this is driving me crazy! one minute i’m ridiculously happy because someone bothered to care, then i’d be hoping that that certain somebody would care enough to miss me the next.

you are an idiot, lip. you will always be an idiot whose sole purpose in life is to destroy your own.

perfect.

P.S.
i am not the jealous type. there are just times when i wish i could take someone’s place.

jealous of the one whose arms are around you, if she’s keeping you satisfied

is she?

Daphne once asked Shaggy if he was okay…

Daphne: Are you okay?

Shaggy: Am I okay? Sure! As long as you define okay as a mass of agony. 

I feel you, Shaggy. I’m definitely feeling you.

Not a single salty tear

Not a feeling in my chest

Baby, I’m feeling no stress

I’m too fly to be depressed

okay.

Denial is a river in Egypt.

I wish I could say I was okay. For most parts of the day, I am. But for some, even just for a few minutes. Whenever I remember…my world just comes crashing down on me. Word.

I always had a flair for drama. And for the record, the previous blog entry was by far the crappiest show of drama I’ve ever written.

Or not. Whatever, yaya! Walk away!!!

So I have decided that I’ll give myself one month. One whole month to wallow, to drown myself in misery and curse the happy couples walking the earth. But after a month, I must promise that I will live my life the way I should. If one month has past and I still don’t feel okay or relatively better than what I’m feeling now, then I’m in a huge, humongous predicament. Let’s cross our fingers, shall we?

For the mean time, I’ll crawl under a rock and cry my heart out…

I will never stand in your way. Wherever your heart may lead you, I will LOVE you the same…

Have you ever been stuck in limbo? I have. And I’m telling you, you never want to be in my position.

Everyday I wake up praying for the strength to continue living on as if everything is okay. As if I didn’t just get my heart broken. I immerse myself with work to avoid feeling the pain and misery thinking that I could put them away just for 8 hours. Friends may think the laughing me had no worries at all. They just don’t know the battle that is going on inside of me.  Alone at night, the loneliness engulfs me breathing is almost impossible. One breath at a time, I tell myself. Life is a blessing after all.

My best defense is the world that I build around me. In my mind I am happy. In my mind I replay over and over the memories I want to happen again. I long to smile the kind of smile that reaches my eyes. I crave to laugh the kind of laugh that touches my heart. I want to wake up each day with peace in my mind and joy in my heart. Sadly it’ll take years to gain my momentum back.

Each day when I wake up, my body goes on auto-pilot. I move the way I used to. I talk the way I used to. I look the way I used to but I know in my heart I have changed. In the aftermath of his decision I grew up. There is no such thing as happy ever after. There is no such thing as birds and the bees. I refuse to acknowledge the word love.

One thing’s for sure. I will never get out of this unscathed. So if I go jaded and you worry about me, don’t be. This is my decision. If this is what it feels to love, why would I ever love again?

I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard and that you can hurt me so much.

-Buffy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

As I was sitting patiently (yes I was patient after waiting for about a week for the goddamn SSS system to be fixed) while munching on chips and reading a local newspaper, I came across this column, JokeBox (Sun Star Cebu August 07, 2008 issue; page B4). For the day they were featuring fractured wisdom. I read something which will make the reader crack up I guess. Though I did manage to stifle a laugh, the joke actually got stuck in my head. “Depression is merely anger without any enthusiasm.” So true, isn’t it? Around an hour or two later I looked up to see this woman wearing a green shirt with the phrase, “Love has failed me.”

Okay.

Is everyone out to get me or something? What is this? Do they have to rub it in?! Inwardly I sighed. It’s no use being peeved at something so trivial.

You know what? I was indeed aggravated although it was overshadowed by the fact that I finally got my static information sheet after a really long wait. Like a six-day wait dammit! Screw this. Like I said, I’m much too tired to write about something of value. And just for the record, I usually have a perfectly good reason for my emotional outbursts. Although the reason comes a bit after I have calmed down and realized what I have done.

Again, I’ll leave with a stanza from Boys Like Girls’ first single, Hero / Heroine:

I never thought that you could break me apart. I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart

i have been incognito for like a month now i guess. i’m too tired to write anything, too frustrated to even think straight…

i thought of this song just now. dunno if it’s appropriate for what i’m feeling.

to let go or not to let go? that is the question.

Here In My Heart
Diane Warren

Sometimes there’s a time you must say goodbye
Though it hurts you must learn to try
I know I’ve got to let you go
But I know anywhere you go
You’ll never be far
‘Cause like the light of a bright star
You’ll keep shining in my life
You’re gonna be right

Here in my heart
That’s where you’ll be
You’ll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you’re here in my heart

Won’t be any tears falling from these eyes
‘Cause when love’s true love never dies
It stays alive forever
Time can’t take away what love we had
I will remember our time together
You might think our time is through
But I’ll still have you

Here in my heart
That’s where you’ll be
You’ll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you’re here in my heart

I know you’ll be back again
And ’till then
My love is waiting

Here in my heart
That’s where you’ll be
You’ll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you’re here in my heart

Here in my heart
That’s where you’ll be
You’ll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you’re here in my heart