Archive for Solitude
{ October 9, 2008 @ 12:46 pm }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: jealous }
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what’s that? oh. what, you may ask, is that crashing sound in the background? that’s my already broken heart shattered again into a million tiny pieces. thank you very much.
there’s a lesson to learn here. a lesson i should’ve learned years ago. i never should’ve used my heart. because if i used it, i hurt more and i don’t like this feeling.
it’s been a month and how am i doing? honestly, i don’t know. there are times that i just wake up, go to work, come home and not have a single clue what happened during the day. nothing really matters anyway, so why bother trying to be happy?
i have never felt so alone in my entire life. this is driving me crazy! one minute i’m ridiculously happy because someone bothered to care, then i’d be hoping that that certain somebody would care enough to miss me the next.
you are an idiot, lip. you will always be an idiot whose sole purpose in life is to destroy your own.
perfect.
P.S.
i am not the jealous type. there are just times when i wish i could take someone’s place.
jealous of the one whose arms are around you, if she’s keeping you satisfied
is she?
{ September 23, 2008 @ 3:23 am }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: Daphne, Shaggy }
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Daphne once asked Shaggy if he was okay…
Daphne: Are you okay?
Shaggy: Am I okay? Sure! As long as you define okay as a mass of agony.
I feel you, Shaggy. I’m definitely feeling you.
{ September 15, 2008 @ 4:50 am }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: Denial, The Nile, word }
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Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby, I’m feeling no stress
I’m too fly to be depressed
okay.
Denial is a river in Egypt.
I wish I could say I was okay. For most parts of the day, I am. But for some, even just for a few minutes. Whenever I remember…my world just comes crashing down on me. Word.
{ September 7, 2008 @ 9:25 am }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: drama }
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I always had a flair for drama. And for the record, the previous blog entry was by far the crappiest show of drama I’ve ever written.
Or not. Whatever, yaya! Walk away!!!
So I have decided that I’ll give myself one month. One whole month to wallow, to drown myself in misery and curse the happy couples walking the earth. But after a month, I must promise that I will live my life the way I should. If one month has past and I still don’t feel okay or relatively better than what I’m feeling now, then I’m in a huge, humongous predicament. Let’s cross our fingers, shall we?
For the mean time, I’ll crawl under a rock and cry my heart out…
I will never stand in your way. Wherever your heart may lead you, I will LOVE you the same…
{ September 4, 2008 @ 12:34 pm }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: buffy the vampire slayer, jaded, limbo, love }
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Have you ever been stuck in limbo? I have. And I’m telling you, you never want to be in my position.
Everyday I wake up praying for the strength to continue living on as if everything is okay. As if I didn’t just get my heart broken. I immerse myself with work to avoid feeling the pain and misery thinking that I could put them away just for 8 hours. Friends may think the laughing me had no worries at all. They just don’t know the battle that is going on inside of me. Alone at night, the loneliness engulfs me breathing is almost impossible. One breath at a time, I tell myself. Life is a blessing after all.
My best defense is the world that I build around me. In my mind I am happy. In my mind I replay over and over the memories I want to happen again. I long to smile the kind of smile that reaches my eyes. I crave to laugh the kind of laugh that touches my heart. I want to wake up each day with peace in my mind and joy in my heart. Sadly it’ll take years to gain my momentum back.
Each day when I wake up, my body goes on auto-pilot. I move the way I used to. I talk the way I used to. I look the way I used to but I know in my heart I have changed. In the aftermath of his decision I grew up. There is no such thing as happy ever after. There is no such thing as birds and the bees. I refuse to acknowledge the word love.
One thing’s for sure. I will never get out of this unscathed. So if I go jaded and you worry about me, don’t be. This is my decision. If this is what it feels to love, why would I ever love again?
I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard and that you can hurt me so much.
-Buffy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
{ August 7, 2008 @ 8:03 am }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: boys like girls, depression, Hero/Heroine, love }
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As I was sitting patiently (yes I was patient after waiting for about a week for the goddamn SSS system to be fixed) while munching on chips and reading a local newspaper, I came across this column, JokeBox (Sun Star Cebu August 07, 2008 issue; page B4). For the day they were featuring fractured wisdom. I read something which will make the reader crack up I guess. Though I did manage to stifle a laugh, the joke actually got stuck in my head. “Depression is merely anger without any enthusiasm.” So true, isn’t it? Around an hour or two later I looked up to see this woman wearing a green shirt with the phrase, “Love has failed me.”
Okay.
Is everyone out to get me or something? What is this? Do they have to rub it in?! Inwardly I sighed. It’s no use being peeved at something so trivial.
You know what? I was indeed aggravated although it was overshadowed by the fact that I finally got my static information sheet after a really long wait. Like a six-day wait dammit! Screw this. Like I said, I’m much too tired to write about something of value. And just for the record, I usually have a perfectly good reason for my emotional outbursts. Although the reason comes a bit after I have calmed down and realized what I have done.
Again, I’ll leave with a stanza from Boys Like Girls’ first single, Hero / Heroine:
I never thought that you could break me apart. I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart
{ July 7, 2008 @ 4:05 am }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: James McAvoy, Jolie, wanted }
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First I lost my job. Now, I lost my freaking handbag along with my wallet and cellphone. I didn’t really lose them but someone stole them from right under my nose, so to speak. Somebody out there must be having a laugh at my expense. Yes, I’ve heard about the movie A Series of Unfortunate Events but I never really thought it happens in real life. Well, I do now.
Last Friday, a friend of mine and I went to the movies to watch Wanted. With everything that’s happened in our lives lately, our minds were crying out for a scapegoat and entering another world for just a few hours was just what we needed. The movie was good (the Jolie factor is always a plus) although quite unrealistic. Perfect scapegoat material. James McAvoy played his part so well that you can see the transition from him being an anxiety-plagued nothing to someone who made a difference in the world or at least to the characters involved in the film. What drew me most to the movie was the last line he said before the cast and production credits. “This is me taking control of my life. What the fuck have you done lately?” I made a mental note to answer this question when I have the time to sort out my thoughts. I felt that the answer was somewhat like a key to unlock life’s mysteries. Yet that night, even until the brink of sleep, I came up with nothing.
Today, I read a column written by a former colleague of mine. She said that people often miss out on the simple things in life because most of the time, she and perhaps one third of the Philippine population, are very busy. Well, I’ll tell you something. I’d rather have sleepless nights, hideous eye bags and down-the-drain social life than having NOTHING to do at all. I’d change what I have now for yours in a heartbeat. You do not know what it’s like having something taken away from you; to wake up one morning and realize that everything you’ve worked hard for in the past year amounts to nothing but a priceless piece of paper, crumpled and thrown away. Granted, this experience made me stronger and wiser but this has shaken me to the core.
Now you ask me, what have I been doing lately? Still nothing, sadly. It’s like the reigns of my life are somewhere abandoned and unattended. But I do guarantee you this. The Wanted experience has changed my life forever. I am now determined to search for that key or that answer in every nook and cranny even if it takes a lifetime.
Uhm, that’ll take a really long time, right? Maybe I’ll just go back to drooling over Mr. McAvoy’s abs. Or thinking of ways to torture the faceless robbers that’ll leave them screaming for me to end their lives…Yeah. Much better.
Just kidding!
{ June 25, 2008 @ 4:55 pm }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: boyfriend, Camotes, Civil Service Exam, commitment, Frank, marriage, typhoon }
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First I want to congratulate myself for passing the Civil Service Exam. I’m so happy I’m doing cartwheels in my head. No. Not really.
Secondly, I wanted to apologize for being incommunicado for about a week. Actually, I wasn’t. I just wasn’t into writing mode if you know what I mean. Writer’s block. Whatever.
My friends and I were supposed to go to Camotes to spend an overdue and much needed summer breakaway but no. I forgot that this month is June. June’s like the opening of typhoon season. Kids are jumping up and down because classes could be cancelled with no imminent warning. And… blackboards may be wet. Ugh! I hate being an adult. Could I just be a student forever? Struggling over Java exams and mind boggling programming codes I can take but struggling to make a living? No. Scratch that. Make that “find” a living. Oh this shit is beyond what we call everyday challenges. This is like the ultimate challenge, the mother of all challenges, Fear-Factor-never-saw-this-coming kind of challenge…
Shut. Up. Get over it. The rest of them did. So should you. Thank you my dear self. I needed that.
Where was I before my mindless ranting? Ah yes. Camotes. I was so looking forward to two days of worry-free, fun-filled adventure. Darn that Frank. No. Not my dad. Duh! The typhoon. So I was just stuck at home for the past weekend listening to the wind ravishing the trees outside. Stop! That sounds so revolting. Anyway, it did not rain that Saturday night so my family and I, along with the rest of my relatives, went to church. My cousin was rambling about the forthcoming August 08. She said she wanted to get married that day. I think this may have been because eight is her favorite number and getting married at that date would mean she’s uhm…getting married on 08-08-08. Get it? August 08, 2008.
The funny thing was she’s never had a boyfriend before, never cared to have one and probably won’t ever have one if she can help it. Then why the hell was she planning to get married on the said date? Beats me. In more ways than one, like our looks perhaps (except the height. ALWAYS except the height. Sarcasm inserted here.), we’re a lot alike. Like never having a boyfriend and obviously being neurotic. That may be a bit harsh. Eccentric is a much better word. Runs in the family, I guess.
To top it all off, she said that if getting married on 08-08-08 can’t be possible then she’ll try again on 12-12-12. December 12, 2012. She’ll be 29 at that time. Personally, I’d like to get married somewhere in between like 10-10-10 (October 10, 2010) or 11-11-11 (November 11, 2011). But as you know, marriage is really not my thing. Some say I that I have a problem with commitment. Glares. I do not. It’s just that I haven’t found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or maybe I did but it’s just not possible. Or maybe we both just don’t know it yet. Discussion closed.
P.S.
So…What ever happened to you and me?
{ June 18, 2008 @ 5:19 pm }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: boys like girls, thunder }
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My friend Bambi introduced me to this song by Boys Like Girls and now I can’t seem to get the song out of my head. I’m hooked! Thanks bro! 
Thunder
Boys Like Girls
Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Today in the blink of an eye I’m holding on to something and I do not know why
I tried
I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder
Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don’t know
Today I’m on my own
I can’t move a muscle and I can’t pick up the phone
I don’t know (I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know)
And now I’m itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside
Just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Yeah I’m walking on a tightrope
I’m wrapped up in vines
I think we’ll make it out
But you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain
Today is a winding road that’s taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Whoa
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don’t wanna ever love another
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder, and I said
Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other?
You’ll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder
this is for you. you know who you are…
{ June 13, 2008 @ 4:07 pm }
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{ Solitude }
{ Tags: birthday, gifts, love, party, present }
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In the last few minutes before this day draws into a close, I would just like to shout out to the world that I just turned 24 and very proud of it. Or not. Kidding. I’m 22. (whistles)
Just like the line in a song, “The best things in life are free.” Oh yeah. They sure are. I may not have had the best birthday party to top all birthday parties but I sure had a blast today. I am blessed to continue to live and be surrounded by people who love me. Kudos to my mom and dad and my brother too. They don’t even have to come bearing gifts. Their birthday greetings (texts, calls or verbal greetings) were so much better than any wrapped present I ever had.
Tomorrow, I’ll go back to my self loathing, job hunting hating persona. Hahaha!
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