Daphne once asked Shaggy if he was okay…
Daphne: Are you okay?
Shaggy: Am I okay? Sure! As long as you define okay as a mass of agony.
I feel you, Shaggy. I’m definitely feeling you.
Archive for September, 2008
as what Shaggy would say…
The Nile
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby, I’m feeling no stress
I’m too fly to be depressed
okay.
Denial is a river in Egypt.
I wish I could say I was okay. For most parts of the day, I am. But for some, even just for a few minutes. Whenever I remember…my world just comes crashing down on me. Word.
a month
I always had a flair for drama. And for the record, the previous blog entry was by far the crappiest show of drama I’ve ever written.
Or not. Whatever, yaya! Walk away!!!
So I have decided that I’ll give myself one month. One whole month to wallow, to drown myself in misery and curse the happy couples walking the earth. But after a month, I must promise that I will live my life the way I should. If one month has past and I still don’t feel okay or relatively better than what I’m feeling now, then I’m in a huge, humongous predicament. Let’s cross our fingers, shall we?
For the mean time, I’ll crawl under a rock and cry my heart out…
I will never stand in your way. Wherever your heart may lead you, I will LOVE you the same…
limbo
Have you ever been stuck in limbo? I have. And I’m telling you, you never want to be in my position.
Everyday I wake up praying for the strength to continue living on as if everything is okay. As if I didn’t just get my heart broken. I immerse myself with work to avoid feeling the pain and misery thinking that I could put them away just for 8 hours. Friends may think the laughing me had no worries at all. They just don’t know the battle that is going on inside of me. Alone at night, the loneliness engulfs me breathing is almost impossible. One breath at a time, I tell myself. Life is a blessing after all.
My best defense is the world that I build around me. In my mind I am happy. In my mind I replay over and over the memories I want to happen again. I long to smile the kind of smile that reaches my eyes. I crave to laugh the kind of laugh that touches my heart. I want to wake up each day with peace in my mind and joy in my heart. Sadly it’ll take years to gain my momentum back.
Each day when I wake up, my body goes on auto-pilot. I move the way I used to. I talk the way I used to. I look the way I used to but I know in my heart I have changed. In the aftermath of his decision I grew up. There is no such thing as happy ever after. There is no such thing as birds and the bees. I refuse to acknowledge the word love.
One thing’s for sure. I will never get out of this unscathed. So if I go jaded and you worry about me, don’t be. This is my decision. If this is what it feels to love, why would I ever love again?
I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard and that you can hurt me so much.
-Buffy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
